New Year's Eve!

O my gosh! I read all my posts last year and I can't believe I was once a very cheery person. I was being funny all the time, changing the color of the font, changing the size of the font, emoticons everywhere and you know how its like when somebody is happy, right? I didn't know I was that happy. LOL. I was freaking awesome. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I also didn't know I like to say shit. I said that in most of my posts. Can I be that girl again? I can't stop smiling when I read my older posts. Oh, I miss the old me. I'm gonna be as crazy as I used to be. I swear. No more LOL. I hate LOL. It doesn't sound right. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sounds much better :)

So, initially, I was here to talk about the coming new year, but I got distracted by my older posts. However, I will still post on the new year's thing-y cause I know I will never do that tomorrow. I'm gonna talk about resolutions. You know why. I read on my resolutions for 2010 and I'm so glad I managed to accomplish some of them. 

Resolutions for year 2010!

physically

1. must keep my hair long

2. try not to get darker skin *which is so hard to do :D

3. lessen the usage of my annoying glasses :) 

4. drink a lot of water. *thats the only way to get nicer skin. HAHA.thats what people say.

5. get fatter :) im so skeleton!

emotionally

1. be so much better than i use to be :)

physically 

1. Resolution number 1 is a success. I even curled my hair already. 

2. Not so cause I think I'm born to be tanned. Hahahaha. This will not be my resolution forever, I must say ;D

3. Ahhh, resolution number 3 was also a success, but I changed my mind when a friend told me about her friend who was using contact lens and have to operate her eyes because of something going on in her eyes. I used or wore contact lenses from April to November if I'm not mistaken.

4. A failure. I have scaly skin :) I'll scare you off with my skin.

5. I'm still skeleton. Resolution number 5 will be continued in 2011.

emotionally

1. total failure.

Okay, I am glad I accomplished some of my resolutions for year 2010. So, now I'll sort out my resolutions for year 2011.

Resolutions for year 2011!

physically

1. I really need to drink more water. Sometimes, I don't even drink plain water in a day. You'll die if you see my scaly legs. I'm lucky I have lotion with me or else I'll look like an abnormal mermaid.

2. Oh, gaining weight is so hard! I don't want to gain weight actually, just more meat, you know. People always describe me as papan, lidi and that sort of sad things. I'm tired of that and I think I am used to that already, but I'll give it a try again this year. More meat under my skin, please. Hahaha.

3. I wanna get fit. I've been thinking about jogging and that kind of stuff. I have to wait for my driving license to do so cause I'm so not gonna jog here in my neighborhood =.= I have a tread mill at home, but ...... It's a difficult situation. Hahaha. 

4. Maybe improving the whole look. Maybe botox or susuk. HAHAHAHAHA. Omg, I'm just kidding about the botox and susuk thing-y.

emotionally

1. I must and need to be stronger. I hope to continue my study after getting my SPM result and I certainly know that I'll be away from home if I managed to further my study. Being tough and strong is a must. Not like the wrestlers tough and strong. Hey, you know what I mean.

2. Just to be better than what I used to be. You know, all the good things.

I guess that's just it. Anything else will fall to its place if I accomplish my emotionally resolutions. My physical resolutions is just a bonus for me if I manage to accomplish it. I don't know if I should be excited or calm or just lay flat for year 2011. We'll just see. 

Happy New Year, fellas!

Have fun in leaving footprints everywhere in year 2011.

Make sure every single day is a memorable one.

Ouw my goushxz.

I've read thousands of blog, maybe not, but I think mine is the most monotonous. I like everything they write. Moreover, their blog is grand, I mean like everything just fall to the right place. How do you do that? I'm impressed. LOL. 


And oh, did I mentioned how I wish I was a rapper? Rapper tell stories. I would pay great attention when it comes to the rapping part. LOL. Eminem has made me render speechless many times, you know? He raps about his life and all and that has made him stronger. He's not afraid of life. He deals with it. Not all rappers are hard-hearted. I mean, look at this song lyric by Eminem ;

"Hailie's Song"
[Intro - Spoken]
Yo, I can't sing it
I feel like singin'
I wanna fuckin' sing
Cuz I'm happy
Yeah, I'm happy
Ha Ha
I got my baby back
Yo, check it out 

[Verse 1 - Sung]
Some days I sit, starin' out the window
Watchin' this world pass me by
Sometimes I think theres nothin' to live for
I almost break down and cry

Somtimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

[Chorus]
Somtimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me

[Verse 2 - Sung]
My baby girl [Hailie laughs] keeps gettin' older
I watch her grow up with pride
People make jokes, cuz they don't understand me
They just don't see my real side

I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy
My insecurities could eat me alive

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

[Chorus]

[Verse 3 - Rapped]
Man, if I could sing, I'd keep singing this song to my daughter
If I could hit the notes, I'd blow something as long as my father
To show her how I feel about her, how proud I am that I got her
God, I'm a daddy, I'm so glad that her mum didn't abort
Now you probly get this picture from my public persona
That I'm a pistol-packing drug-addict who bags on his momma,
But I wanna just take this time out to be perfectly honest
Cuz there's a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside o' my soul,
And just know that I grow colder the older I grow
This boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
And this load is like the weight of the world
And I think my neck is breaking should I just give up,
Or try to live up to these expectations?
Now look, I love my daughter more than life in itself,
But I got a wife that's determined to make my life livin'hell
But I handle it well, given the circumstances I'm dealt
So many chances, man, it's too bad, coulda had someone else
But the years that I've wasted are nothing to the tears that I've tasted
So here's what I'm facin':
3 felonies, 6 years of probation
I've went to jail for this woman, I've been to bat for this woman
I've taken bats to peoples backs, bent over backwards for this woman
Man, I shoulda seen it comin', why'd I stick my penis up in?
Woulda ripped the pre-nup up if I'd seen what she was fuckin'
But fuck it, it's over, there's no more reason to cry no more
I got my baby, baby the only lady that I adore, Hailie
So sayonara, try tomorra, nice to know ya
My baby's travelled back to the arms of her rightful owner
And suddenly it seems that my shoulder blades have just shifted
It's like the greatest gift you can get
The weight has been lifted

Now it don't feel like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz my baby know's that her daddy's a soldier
Nothin' can take her from me

[Outro - Spoken]
Woo!
I told you I can't sing.
Oh well, I tried
Hailie, 'member when I said
If you ever need anything, daddy will be right there?
Well guess what?
Daddy's here.
And I ain't goin'nowhere baby
I love you! (kiss)

Isn't it wonderful? I admit it sometimes his lyrics can be so offensive, but hey, he had gone through hell. If I was given the chance to be him, I'd do so much worse. I can't even stand my own normal life, what more to be in his shoes. I've cried over little things, I can't imagine going through the life he lives.

"Going Through Changes"

[Ozzy]
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

[Eminem]
Lately I really, feel like I'm rolling for delph like Philly,
I feel like I'm losing control of myself, I sincerely,
Apologize if all that I sound like is I'm complaining,
But life keeps on complicating, an' I'm debating,
On leaving this world, this evening, even my girls,
Can see I'm grievin', I try and hide it,
But I can't, why do I act like I'm all high and mighty,
When inside, I'm dying, I am finally realizing I need help.
I can't do it by myself, too weak, 2 weeks I've been having ups and downs,
Going through peaks and valleys, dilly dallying,
Around with the idea, of ending the shit right here.
I'm hatin' my reflection, I walk around the house tryin' to fight mirrors,
I can't stand what I look like, yeah, I look fat, but what do I care?
I give a fuck, only thing I fear, is Hailie,
I'm afraid if I close my eyes I might see her,
Shit..

[Chorus]

[Eminem]
I lock myself in the bedroom, bathroom, nappin' at noon,
Yeah dad's in a bad mood, he's always snappin' at you.
Marshall what happened at you, you can't stop with these pills,
And you've fallen off with your skills, and your own fans are laughin' at you.
It become a problem you're too pussy to tackle, get up,
Be a man, stand, a real man woulda had this shit handled.
Know you just had your heart ripped out and crushed,
They say Proof just flipped out, homie just swift out and bust,
Nah, it ain't like Doody to do that,
He wouldn't fuckin' shoot at, no-body, he fights first,
But dwellin' on it only makes the night worse,
Now I'm poppin Vic's, perks and Methadone pills.
Yeah Em, tight verse, you killed it,
Fuckin' drug dealers hang around me like "yes man",
And they gon' do whatever I says when, I says it,
It's in their best interest to protect their investment.
And I just lost my fuckin' best friend, so fuck it, I guess then...

[Chorus]

Don't know what I'm gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes...

My friends can't understand this new me,
That's understandable man, but just think how bananas you'd be,
You'd be an animal too, if you were trapped in this fame and caged in it like a zoo.
And everybody's lookin' at you, what you want me to do,
I'm startin' to live like a recluse and the truth is,
Fame startin' to give me an excuse, to be at a all time low.
I sit alone in my home theatre, watchin' the same damn DVD,
Of the first tour, the last tour, he was still alive.
And it hurt sore, fast forward, sleepin' pills'll make me feel alright.
And if I'm still awake in the middle of the night,
I just take a couple more, yeah you're motherfuckin' right,
I ain't slowin' down for no one, I am almost homeward bound.
Almost in a coma, yeah homie come on, dole 'em out
Daddy, don't you die on me, daddy, better hold your ground.
Fuck, don't I know the sound of that voice,
Yeah baby hold me down.

[Chorus]

[Eminem]
Wake up in the hospital, full of tubes, plus somehow I'm pullin' through.
Swear when I come back I'ma be bulletproof.
I'ma do it just for Proof, I think I should state a few,
Facts, cause I may not get a chance again to say the truth.
Shit it just hit me that what if I would notta made it through?
I think about the things I would have never got to say to you,
I'd never get to make it right, so here's what I came to do.
Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too,
I still love your mother, that'll never change,
Think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
Hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
But I swear on everything, I'd do anything for her on any day.
There are just too many things, to explain, when it rains,
Guess it pours, yes it does, wish there wasn't any pain.
But I can't pretend there ain't, I ain't placin' any blame,
I ain't pointin' fingers, heaven knows i've never been a saint.
I know it just feels like we just pissed away our history,
But just today, I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
I miss you self consciously, wish it didn't end this way.
But I just had to get away, don't know why,
I don't know what else to say, I guess I'm..

"Talkin' 2 Myself"
(feat. Kobe)

[Intro]
Ayo Before I start this song man
I just want to thank everybody for being so patient
And baring with me over these last couple of years
While I figure this shit out

[Chorus - Kobe]
Is anybody out there?
It feels like I'm talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
I guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I'm going insane
Am I the one who's crazy?

Yeayah
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh)
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)

[Bridge - Eminem]
So why in the world do I feel so alone
Nobody but me, I'm on my own
Is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I feel
If there is, let me hear just so I know I'm not the only one

[Eminem]
I went away I guess to open up some lanes
But there was no one who even knew that I was going through growin' pains
Hatred was flowing through my veins
On the verge of going insane
I almost made a song dissin Lil Wayne
It's like I was jealous of him 'cause of the attention he was gettin'
I felt horrible about myself
He was spittin and I wasn't
Anyone who was buzzin back then coulda got it
Almost went at Kanye too
God it feels like I'm goin' psychotic
Thank god that I didn't do it
I would've had my ass handed to me
And I knew it but proof wasn't here to see me through it
Im in the booth poppin another pill tryna talk myself into it
Are you stupid? You gon' start dissin people for no reason?
Especially when you can't even write a decent punchline even
You're lying to yourself, you're slowly dying, you're denying
Your health is declining with your self-esteem, you're crying out for help

[Chorus - Kobe]

[Bridge - Eminem]

[Eminem]
Marshall you're no longer the man, that's a bitter pill to swallow
All I know is I'm wallowin', self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up on the pill bottle
Maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow
My sorrow echoes in this hall though
But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don't see nobody else (I guess I keep talkin to myself)
But all these other rappers suck is all that I know
I've turned into a hater, I've put up a false bravado
But Marshall is not a egomaniac thats not his motto
He's not a desperado he's desperate, his thoughts are bottled inside him
One foot on the brake one on the throttle
Fallin asleep with writers block in the parking lot of mcdonalds
But instead of feeling sorry for yourself do something about it
Admit you got a problem you brain is clouded you pouted long enough
It isn't them its you you fuckin baby
Quit worrying about what they do and do fuckin shady
I'm fucking going crazy

[Chorus - Kobe]

[Bridge - Eminem]

[Eminem]
So I pick up myself off the ground and fuckin swam before I drowned
Hit my bottom so hard I bounce twice suffice this time around
It's different them last two albums didn't count
Encore I was on drugs, Relapse I was flushing em out
I've come up to make it up to you no more fucking around
I've got something to prove to fans I feel like I let em down
So please accept my apology I finally feel like I'm back to normal
I feel like me again, so let me formally reintroduce myself to you for those of you who dont know
The new me's back to the old me and homie I don't show no
Signs of slowin up, oh and I'm blowin up all over
My life is no longer a movie but the shows aint over homos
I'm back with a vengeance homie weezy keep ya head up
T.I. keep ya head up, Kanye keep ya head up
Don't let up, keep slayin em
Rest in Peace to DJ AM
Cause I know what its like
I struggle with this shit every single day

If you are repulsed by these rapping thing-y, you should read it. It inspires me all the time. If it's not 3 in the morning, I would copy all his lyrics into my blog. 

I am trying so hard and I think I almost succeed. Never mind the tears cause it'll only make you stronger. I may be seen in high spirits all of the time, but well, it is always a successful fake ones. I hope not to be a counterfeit anymore, but I don't want to be called emo. I hate the fact that people are so benign that they would help you in anyway they can because I have this problem of avoiding the people I share my problems with simply because I can't stand the sorry eyes when they look at me, the unusual polite treatment and you know, all the nice stuffs they do after they know about what I was going through. It put tears in my eyes. LOL, I'm so gonna be emo this coming new year. But, I don't remember sharing anything to anyone nowadays so, no worries. I'm not in the mission to avoid anyone in the moment. 

If I hadn't let go of the past, everything would be intimidating by now. I brought myself up. You should do so.

I am growing up :)

Merry Christmas!

Holiday vacation.

We've been talking about going on a trip to Kuching for months. And it came true on the 17th of December. I know it's not London or Paris, but at least I'm out of the city for awhile, no? I don't know if it is me or it is really dejavu that I'm having. I'm currently in Sibu and it doesn't feel like I'm in Sibu. When I was in Kuching, I felt like I was in Melaka and even Kuala Lumpur. A lot of place resembles. I have to keep reminding myself where I was at the time or else I'll be lost in my thoughts. Vacation is always fun, but having to sit in a car for hours on bumpy roads is just not right. Another problem of traveling by land is the toilets. It's not hard to find a toilet, but a toilet with less stench and working flusher is just so hard to find. Plus, we have to pay them RM 0.20 even when the toilets are obviously disgusting. It is sure a difficult situation for those who are having menstrual cycle. But sometimes they are the ones who make the toilets even 'merrier'. There's no one to blame in this. It's the ladies, clearly.


Okay, I didn't know that I would be so into the toilet story. LOL. The first night I was in Kuching, I had to attend a dinner wedding with my aunt. It was in Pullman, the so-called-5 star hotel. I assumed she is my aunt's best friend cause it seems like my aunt was the wedding planner or something like that. I got involved, surprisingly. I helped the bride with her Iban costume, polishing her nails and that sort of stuff. I felt pretty good, you know, cause people thought I was someone close to the bride when actually I was not and that made me feel welcome to the dinner.

Oh, this is the bride and the groom :) The groom looks like Mr. Bean or Rowan Atkinson, but I didn't say a thing to my aunt until I got back to the hotel my family and I were in. LOL. The groom comes from Germany and the bride is Sarawakian-lah. He's actually sweet in person. It was so nice to finally see couples like this, you know, sweet. Very sweet. I never thought a man could be so sweet. 

I was seated with a charming couple at table number 4. They're so friendly. The man is a German (man in white suit), and the wife comes from Thailand (lady in red). I can't describe how well were both of them. You've got to meet and talk to them, you're gonna fall in love immediately. By the look and the charm and the jokes too.

The second day in Kuching, my family and I did nothing much. Went to Sarikin and The Spring. Had enough fun I must say. I wanted to go and swim in the pool at Grand Margherita, but due to some annoying problems, I had to sit in the hotel room and go online.

The third day was very pleasurable, but regrettably, we lost our camera. I remembered all the photos in the camera. I remembered the place where we had our last shot. It was so frustrating. Adi was the one holding it and it got lost in the museum. However, that didn't really stop us from having a great time. We went to Santubong. I got really excited cause I've been there before for a one week camp. I know you know whenever I get excited, I'm just annoying. We went to Sarawak Cultural Village. I liked it so much there. I wish to go again. I met Jerry Kamit, but I didn't realize it was him until I saw his photo on the board. I heard him playing 'Flora' with his Sape and I recognized the song immediately. He played the song with the Sape once more when he heard me saying something about the song. It was really nice, you know. At four, we watched the dancers doing their thing on stage. I liked all their performances. Seriously. We head home, I mean hotel, after that.

That's just quite it. I'm gonna talk about some stuff later on, on the next post. I'm really tired and I'm laying down while typing.  

O O O O O O O MY GOSH.

Oh yea! SPM is over. No more complaining about not studying at all. LOL. Seriously, I never managed to study properly for SPM. I really sucked in SPM. I think my trials were much better. Anyway, today's paper was English for Science and Technology. I was hoping I could get at least an A-, but na-ah I don't think so. I don't understand why I was so anxious and nervous. I screw my one and only chance to prove what I have learnt all this while. Surprisingly, I did that to all my papers. I know I'm not gonna be happy with what I'll see next year on my slip and I know I'm gonna disappoint many people. Waiting to see what the results gonna be is no longer fun as I totally know what I might get. I really am sorry to the teachers who expect more from me, but it's to late now. If I was given the chance; I would not repeat or resit or whatever they called it. It was a pain in the ass, sitting on the chair, trying to find answers in my head. It was unfair having to answer questions I never liked to answer. Wow, that sounds like an excuse for why I hadn't do well in my exam. Whatever it is, there's no use for me to talk about this over and over again cause I know my friends had heard enough. What I did is what I earned later on.

And oh, I'll be missing the invigilators. They had done a great job in making me nervous by saying, 'Masa menjawab tinggal lima minit. Anda tidak dibenarkan keluar lagi." When they said that, I always have a whole lot of questions left to answer. I really am having problem with time. I think we need to talk. Well, after I rest for several months. Yeehaw!