Till death do us apart.

Death. I've been thinking about death a few days back. It was before I go to sleep. Well, I can't sleep because of that. I was just wondering how would an accident victim looked like in their coffin. Why an accident victim? Because that night someone told me about the accident near by. I wondered how they looked like. They won't look the same if they smashed their face on the dashboard or thrown out from the car. It really made me wonder, you know. I've never been to a funeral where they died such way. I have always imagine a dead body in a coffin to be beautiful, clean, saintlike and calm. Thats what I've seen, so far. I used to wish to die. I was a few days ago or was it today or yesterday? LOL. I don't know, maybe I was mad at something. Perhaps I felt like nothing. I guess it's normal to wish to die. We all have problems. Sometimes, we just can't find the strength we used to have. Our problems just reached to the limit and we all thought of dying. Nowadays, we've heard so many news about death. Being killed, killing themselves, accidents, raped, robbed and etc (End of Thinking Capacity. LOL) To be true, I'm terrified. I can be dead in a second. My thoughts scare me. All the time. What if I died? I guess, no one cares. LOL. When you're alive and no one cares, it'll be the same when you're dead. My brothers will have no annoying sister anymore. My parents will have nothing to nag about anymore. Especially about me being lazy. My grandparents got nothing to lose. Just the grandchildren quotas. Don't mention about my aunts and uncles. I don't think they know I even exist. LOL. Cousins will live the same. Friends? I HAVE FRIENDS? OMYGAWD. That'll be sizzling news. Geez. They all live happily ever after.. Why live when you can die? TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL That is one stupid statement. If I die, no matter how tragic it'll be, like you can't even recognize me, please don't act like you care. I don't know when exactly I'll be dead, but I will soon. And I can say it's not by me, K? 

LOL WHAT THE HELL :D

I'd rather go naked.

I like to write unnecessarily. Deal with it! Hahaha. No, no need to deal with it. Just read. I miss home very much. I didn't know that I'll miss em' so much. I mean I've been to a one week camp and stuff, but I never miss home like I did yesterday. You see, I have to sleepover at my grand's cause my parents drove to Mukah. So, yeah, two nights at my grand's and BOOM, home sick! Last night, I went home and felt relieved. My bed was good to me. I knew it miss me too. Aw. 


Wow, that is one monotonous story! As always, moving on . . .


It has been a month since I got my driver's license. But, to be honest with all of you, the nation, I still suck in driving. I mean, the junction part. Oh shit! I hate junctions! I messed up, pretty much every single time I'm at a junction. I can't estimate when to move the car's ass out from the junction. I've been honked many times. And yeah, straight face is really important at times like this. I'm guessing that I'm so used to all of that honking and staring, I don't give a dang to them anymore. I put on my poker face and just drive like they weren't there. Hahaha. I mean, I'm still a P, how can you not see that? Be considerate-lah sikitkan. I'll be like you guys once I'm a competent driver. Ee, I don't want to. I'll die because of a car accident. What a waste! Anyways, besides good at messing up at junctions, I sucked at slopes. Like, really bad. I'm driving a manual and old car. I can't go up slopes like people with auto cars. So, if I wanna go to that side of Miri, I have to drive through the by-pass road where there's no slopes and bumps at all. Ah, heaven! :D Yeah, I hate bumps to. Why can't we have flat roads? Hahaha. 'Good question!'


I have something in mind, but I can't seem to figure out how to write. So, I'll just stop here. I don't really enjoy thinking these days. Hahaha. Just wait till you see my SPM result. You will not be surprise at all.

When a man loves a woman..

Right. The tittle has got nothing to do with me or you. The song crossed my mind so, you know. . . Oh, about the Tumblr, I don't think I want to have an account. To lazy to do one. Hahaha. Blogger is just fine. I'll just live with it. 


Anywayyyyyyyyyyyy, I worked part-time already at the same place I've been talking about. Yeah, I have the guts with me the other day and ask about the pay. They're paying me RM 400, a month and I only work half day. Awesome? Neh, not really. The principle told me not to tell anyone about the pay, but now the whole world knows. What, you wanna rob me? Hahaha. No need. Come and ask nicely, I'll give you the whole thing. Wait, you don't think its true, right? Yea, to good to be true. 


That is all. I'm to lazy to think. My brain is turning to yellowish brown. You know, rusting. 

Jyeahh!

I have doubts in me.

O yeah! Going for the second post. Its nothing. I just feel like I need to have Tumblr. I was on and is still on someone's Tumblr, and bit by bit, I let my heart go with it. I love everything in it. No kidding. I'll do some more thinking and try to find the strength to make an account. I had one, but I lost em' somewhere in the dark skies. So . . . . .

O my goodness me ah ah ah! TROLOLOL. Both are hot and pretty! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU I'm jealous! Dang it~ Hahaha OVER

THIS IS SO TRUE! SO EFFING TRUE! Hahaha.

Thank you so much. I appreciate whoever wrote this. You are beautiful in person and in words. I know it. It shows. :) Whoever you are, I love you too. Hahaha.

Once again, thank you so much :D 

So, I need to think about having a Tumblr. 

Please, blame me!

Ya, that's it . . .

Banana split, yaw~

Wanna play game? I know you're bored. Obviously cause you're reading my blog. You must be extremely boring, right? So, here's a game for you.

(
)
( 
V

CAN YOU SPOT THE DIFFERENCE? 

I hope you enjoy the game although there'll be no prize and stuff. At least you're less boring-kan? I hope.

Moving onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. The tittle says, banana split, but all I wanna say was just split personality. I love to go around the bushes. Its my thing, you know.

Split personality: Multiple personality disorder, a neurosis in which the personality becomes dissociated into two or more distinct parts each of which becomes dominant and controls behavior from time to time to the exclusion of the other parts.

  

Okay, I got that from MedicineNet.com. I'm not saying I'm having that problem or stuff, I just want to borrow the term, split personality. To be honest, I am very much different in different places like split personality, you know. It may be normal, but some people sees it as being fake. Hello . . hello . . hello . . I know its not wrong for people to think so, but still, I wanna talk about it. HAHAHA. Because people like to judge and mind you, so do I. I don't know why I can be so different at different places and situations. Seriously, I'm not trying to be fake or being fake, its just that I'm used to it. I just don't know how to describe this. Anyone? Can you help me here? Besides not knowing how to describe this, I'm just pretty lazy to think. HAHAHA. I'll try my best to talk about this again the next time around. 


Anyway, I'm not eager to get my SPM result anytime soon. I just don't. Please don't. HAHAHA whatttttttttttttttttttt~

Menstrual pain.

Honestly, I'm not having menstrual pain right now, but I just did moments ago. While I was online , I watched this K-pop Hitz on TV. There were a group of ladies dancing like so hot the boy's dick would melt. Hahaha. That wasn't even funny. They dance like their hips would fall off. So, I wondered, what if they have menstrual pain, can they dance like that? I mean, it looked painful even if they don't have it. I can't imagine eh girls with period pain dancing like that. O my gosh, they would die! The menstrual cycle itself is already a trouble, don't mention the pain-lah kan? And by trouble, I mean, the usage of sanitary napkins. Apu. We have to constantly change it and dispose it at the right place. And for me or maybe other girls, going for a camp or vacation are hell when we're having this cycle. Like hell yeah. Hahaha. And what is unacceptable is that some girls think they can dispose it however they like. For example, leaving it in the toilet still with the stain on. I've seen it all. It's a nightmare! Anyways, some girls are more sensitive or aggressive when they go through this cycle. I don't know why and I'm lazy to know why. Hahaha. 

You go Google about it.   

Bullshit?

This is fucking true. I'm sick of being good cause all I get is bullshit. Like seriously. I have no life, no nothing. So, why bother being good? Fuck you. Hahaha. I know I know, I sound like a bitch, but what the hell, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm just disturbed by my thoughts. I no longer smile to strangers. I don't even look up when I walk cause I think the floor is nicer than human beings. Besides, they're shining. I can see my reflection which I don't know is good or bad. Hahaha. I hate when I look like I got no life at shopping complexes , but I honestly have none. So.. Hahaha.

Well, I just can't. Maybe I'm not meant to live. I mean, I was made to kill myself. Hahaha. OMG, that was stupid. I just can't handle life. I'm so used to worry about what others say or think. Damn, yea, damn me. I was once so down that I even cry my ass out when I pray for help. Yes, I did. Hahaha. I was trying to be consistent in doing that you know, the praying, but I was beam to be the devil again. So, yeah, here I am, blogging when actually God is the one who's gonna help me actually. Boo me!

I'm just gonna rewrite the things written here cause I think its to small. Don't you think? So, here you go.

 I am not confident. I know I am smart, but not in the ways that count. I read people much better than book, but I never have the words to explain my findings. I'm only as funny as I feel and I don't think I'm pretty. I sometimes walk with my head down. My posture is terrible. I think horrible things about people and I let my emotions get the best of me. I'm really not as nice as I'd like to be or as innocent as you'd think I am. I am a perfectionist. I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for. I'm a big dreamer with little motivation. I am really no good at all, on my own, but I am analytical with myself. And I don't understand how anyone could ever be cocky or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things that they think and do, but no one knows. We're all broken enough to be humble.

I can really relate with this, you know. Why am I telling you this again? You don't give a damn. Hahaha.

I need to do this more. Fucking serious.

I'm bored to death.

Girl : Babe I dont think I can sleep.

Boy : Why baby?

Girl : I don't know. I need your boring voice to put me to sleep. Wanna tell me a story? Hehehe.

Boy : Hahah, you're lucky that you're cute. How about I read you Dear John.

Girl : Sounds perfect.

- Boy reads Dear John -

- 15 minutes later -

Girl : *snores*

Boy : Babe?

Girl : *snores*

Boy : Hahah, you always knock out within 15 minutes. Your snores are cute. Babe, I really love you. I really do. Sometimes I might show that I dont give a fuck. But I do. I never want to lose you. I know it's cheesy, but this is how I feel. This is REAL. I know I'm not the best thing out there, but I'm trying to be one of your best ever. Thank you babe, thank you for choosing a messed up guy like me to be your boyfriend. Thank you for being mine. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else but you babe. I know I say I love you too many times, but each time I say it, my feeling grows more & more for you. Thanks for listening babe. I'll still be on the phone if you need anything. Goodnight babe & sweet dreams. I won't let the bed bugs bite you.

Seriously, I love this. Ugh, how I wish ..... :) Okay, I got this from Fazz's Craps. Shuqrie's friend I guess. I'm bored to death. I swear. I could fold clothes now, but I prefer not to cause I hate it. I could jog outside, but I'm scared. Ugh. Shit man.

Uh uh, that's me!

I'm sitting in the living room like an old lady. For hours. Can you imagine that?

I am. Really.

I have this one thing I can't explain towards books. I just love them. Well, some of them actually. When I was attending the L2B, I forgot to bring my book. A girl did and I was so jealous. I spent almost 2 hours doing nothing while waiting for the L2B to start. Ugh. Frustrating. 

I always feel that way. I'll be like, 'What am I suppose to do next? T.T'. Not to mention that I actually cry and laugh to every book I read.

UGH, THIS IS SO BORING!

Love.

Uh la la! I haven't talk about love for so many months already. I'm not suppose to at my age but, look around you. Everyone is in love. Sometimes I'll be like, "Okay, everybody's in love, except me!" No-lah. Some people choose to be alone. You know, without problems and commitments. I don't know where I'm at. Sometimes, I wanna be alone but, sometimes I just feel I need someone. I've had someone before but, you know, problems and all. I guess I'll just have to wait for my prince charming. I'm very old-fashioned. I don't know how to make the first move and I don't think I want to. Being in a relationship before really taught me a lot of things. I just hope I don't fall for the wrong person, but if I do, I understand why. I have seen people get frustrated because of love and it's really ill. In fact, I just read a blog all talking about his ex-girlfriend. Some guys are really sweet and loyal. All the guys are but, it's just the matter of how they do it. I seriously have grunge over guys who cheats. Dumb-ass! Really, if any of you feels like cheating, try thinking of your sister or mother being cheated by a guy like you. Hahaha. I'm so emotional. I got so many issues with guys, you know. I just don't trust them. They are full of secrets. Hahaha. Whatever. It'll change when I fall for some random guy like Justin Bieber. Hahaha. Seriously.

However, charming couple like Zac Efron and Vannesa Hudgens really makes me believe that true love exist. They look so good and blissful together. How I wish I were Vannesa Hudgens. I mean, who doesn't?

Oh, don't make me start about Korean boys and all. They're just so beautiful and stunning. Phew!

This is so wrong. Hahaha. Almost a crime.

Sometimes, I just wish I have someone. Haih =_=' 

SHIT.

Tears.

  Ah, the tittle means nothing but tears. I didn't know that keeping tears from rolling down our cheek would be a pain in the ass. Oh, now I know. After all this years, after all the pain, after all the happiness, after all the joy & after all the sorrow I've experienced, now I know. 

  It has been awhile since I last blog. Probably because I was struggling to study. I have this problem of not studying at all. I am worried but look at me. Innocently typing words out of my thoughts. This is so wrong. But, I just have to blog. I've been keeping things inside and I found myself breaking down easily each time I felt lonely. That is bad. I'm afraid that I can't focus in my study. I repeat, I can't focus in my study. I am serious. I know I need help but I haven't text my angel. LOL. O Lord, please help me go through all this. I am screwed. I know I am.

  All of the above has got nothing to do with boys. I got loads of problem not love relating. Even if I do have, I'm not gonna admit that. I'm ego. I have a huge ego that you never knew about. I have tons of secret at the back of my head. I have so many thoughts at the back of my head. It's my fault not sharing it to anyone because I know no one cares. They have their own life, I have mine. So, no further explanation to that. LOL. My fault, period.

  Theres no point to talked about those stuff, anyways. Lets go on with other story, shall we? Actually, I have none. LOL. I just felt like blogging so I did. Now, I'm happy. The only thing that calm me is this blog. I love you, Bloggy ;)

Facebook & Blogger destroy me. Online and no study, definitely destroys me. I don't know what else to do. Call 911?

All I need to do is...

Here I am once again.

I'm falling into pieces.

No-lah. That was just for a dramatic start. So, today my school had this Ramah Tamah Aidilfitri going on but, I never expected that it'll end as fast as lightning. It was just the takbir & one song sang by trios. We were all like, "What the hell? That's it?". Luckily, there were food everywhere. We sprung to the table where all the food was and dig in. I didn't really enjoy the munching part. All I wanna do was to take some pictures because this is the last Ramah Tamah before I wave goodbye to the school. Speaking of leaving the school, I'm missing the school already. The school, not the people in it. This few days, I've been spending time thinking about the school instead of the national exam. It's now that I realize I've spend so much time in school. Since I was in Form 1, going back at 1.20 is rare. Due to that, I got involved in so many things. I thought I would turn into a boy when I joined the MSSM, handball team and even the netball. Seriously, I really have that thought in my head. I'm so weird, I know. LOL. Maybe because I run too much, play too hard and lifted weight. I still can see my manly muscle today, you see. I am thankful that I got myself into dancing. By then, I felt like I was a girl again. I always have problem in trying to be in two places at a time. Practices clash but I still managed to be in all of the teams. Awesome. You would see me in school every single day doing something or sometimes nothing at all. I grew in the school. From a naive and ugly child to a still naive and ugly child but with a sprinkle of rationality, matureness and some kind of sense of humor. And oh, I've learn to speak Sarawak too. I am very fluent now. Very very very. That's why I will miss the school so much. Half of my life or five years to be precise, were dedicated to the school. I think it wasn't really the school  that I'll miss actually. Could you imagine school without humans in it? I'll surely miss the laughters of friends, gossips here and there, dramas non-stop, fighting over stupid things and so forth. I don't know. I always get confuse with what I say. What did I just say again?

Oh, I write crap. I always do. When are you going to realize that? LOL. Okay, I just wanted to apologize to whom I had offense. I am always excited when it comes to some kind of preparation for celebrations in school. So, when I saw the opportunity to help the teacher, I grabbed it. But then I realize I was like taking over the prefects' job. I was so scared, I started to imagine things and stuffs they would say behind my back. I was just trying to help the teacher. Nothing more, nothing less. I am not trying to steal anyone's spotlight. Do not worry and I am sorry. 

LOL

I can be so lame at times. 

Eew

cycle of life.

obviously, i have not updated my blog for centuries. maybe this is the right time to blog cause i feel so free but i am really not free actually. whatever it is, i will still blog ;D 

alright, i remembered during the 3 weeks holidays, i went to have lunch in a Chicken Rice shop. what makes me 'full' is the sight of chicken bones on the table =______=" on the table, man. i know its normal for some of us but its definitely not an appetizer. i pity the waitress, though. 

another chapter of my life is that i don't know where i am exactly. LOL. nonsense. okay, i admit my blog's background looks ridiculous to anyone who thinks it is but i seriously love it ;D its so different & vintage. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz =.="

oh, i watched half of the Blog War or whatever the name is on Disney Channel :) i don't know what the real story was about but i'm pretty sure it's about blogging & blogger. LOL. 

I AM PISSED AT THOSE BRAZILIAN FOOTBALLERS =_=" what the hell are they doing? they are losing right now. guys, do you realize that? HAIH. heart-broken lah weh T.T train more, try again 4 years to come.  i'm gonna have to betray you guys and go for Argentina. you guys make me ;D i don't care.